Toyota Recalls Cars with Lime Jelly Wheels

Yesterday Toyota, the Japanese car maker recalled all its cars because it is suspected that some models may have wheels manufactured out of lime jelly rather than steel. A spokesman said:

"There is no cause for concern. Only one in three cars are affected and the problem is easily spotted. This is just a wobble, and not symptomatic of major manufacturing problems"

It is not known how the lime jelly wheels slipped through the quality control system. Toyota denied that the problem was potentially dangerous and added that the wheels could actually be a "delicious snack" for long journeys.

Tiger Woods Treated for "Golf Addiction"

Tiger Woods was admitted into a rehab clinic today in California for "golf addiction". It is rumoured that over the past several years he has spent countless days hitting a small white ball into up to 18 small, specially constructed, holes. A tearful Tiger admitted:

"This game of golf has even started to get in the way of my sex life. I have now decided to seek help"

His wife is supporting him through this difficult period.

Tony Blair Invaded Iraq "For A Bet"

In a startling admission before the Chillcost Inquiry today, ex-Prime Minister Tony Blair revealed that he had invaded Iraq for a bet. "I was down the pub with my mates and one of them said I bet you wouldn't invade Iraq if I gave you £20". Blair added "Of course we'd all had a few bevvies by then so I took him on - he's not laughing now and I am quids in". Blair claimed the war has simply a case of high jinx and was sorry that it seemed to have escalated since then.

"People need to get some perspective. It was just a case of a few people down the pub having a bit of a laugh."

The hearing continues.

Wine Flu Strikes Britain

A new Pinot flu variant virus has caused a pandemic of Wine Flu across Britain. According to the Government's Chief Medical Officer, Dr Breezer, middle class Britons are the most susceptible. The strain is believed to have originated in France following an interaction of yeasts with certain grape varieties. Symptoms are severe and have been described by the public as "Feeling hammered" or "Pole-axed". Gordon Tonic of Surbiton said "It's almost as if I was drunk".

Large Hadron Collider Facility Refused Insurance

A spokesman for Hertz today confirmed that the Large Hadron Collider (LHC), the world's largest particle accelerator in Geneva has been denied Collision Damage Waiver insurance. "It's just too risky. These people are maniacs and have a history of causing collisions. Some of them even look deliberate to us" said Mr Charm from Hertz. The LHC have now decided to scour insurance comparison websites to rectify matters.

Startling New Climate Change Evidence

Compelling new evidence for climate change emerged yesterday. Barry Metric, Professor of Weather Studies at Rainham College, Cambridge (pictured) stated:

"Over New Year it was snowy and minus 3 degrees in my back garden, whereas in July it was 29 degrees and absolutely sweltering. If that is not evidence of rapid climate change I don't know what is."

Professor Metric is now confidently predicting a mean rise in temperatures of a massive 20 degrees over the next six months in the UK. This is far beyond what previous models have predicted of just a few degrees in the next 50 years.

Jonathan Porridge, a climate change campaigner called Professor Metric's findings "a wake up call" when we contacted him at 6am this morning.

Heston Blumenthal Finds Higgs Boson in Pie

The world of subatomic physics today was rocked to its core as self-styled molecular gastronomist (cook) Heston Blumenthal announced he had discovered the elusive Higgs boson particle in his latest creation - sherbert pie. Blumenthal, sitting in his Fat Duck laboratory remarked

"The bonus is that the Higgs boson tastes great too"

A spokesperson for the multi-billion Euro Large Hadron Collider project who were desperate to find the particle first said

"This time we really have egg on our faces. Who'd have thought this thing would turn up in a pie. Not us"

Cockermouth to Follow Suit with Name Change

Following on from the proposed rebranding of Scunthorpe as 'Spussyhorpe' the council of Cockermouth in the Lake District have decided to follow the growing trend. The major, Dick Blowers stated

"Henceforth Cockermouth will be renamed Fellatio - it has a genteel Italian feel to it. We are really coming up in the world and facing the big issues"

It is not known whether canals and gondoliers will be introduced.

Scunthorpe to be Renamed

The town council of Scunthorpe in North Lincs today announced that after 'years of ridicule' the town is to be renamed. From 2009 the town will be known as 'Spussyhorpe'. Councilor Gertrude Snatch said

"Spussyhorpe avoids the connotations that have so often left this town wide open to people poking fun"

Marc Bolan Tribute Band in Tragic Car Crash

In what many may view as a case of taking authenticity one step too far, Marc Bolan tribute performer Mental Guru, a member of 'T. Rocks', was killed as his Mini crashed into a tree on Barnes common in London last night. Fans are said to be distraught, and one said "He was just a jeepster for our love".

Gordon Brown Makes Roy Wood's Christmas Wish Come True

Rock veteran Roy 'Wizzard' Wood, composer and singer of 'I Wish it Could be Christmas Every Day' finally got his heartfelt wish today. In a move designed to boost the economy, Gordon Brown decreed that from 2009 it really will be Christmas every day. Commenting on the move, Brummie rocker Roy said

"He's put a great big smile on somebody's face"

David Cameron dismissed the move as a cheap publicity stunt and instead said "Personally I have always been a Slade fan".

Gordon Brown Arrested for 'Fiscal Stimulus'

Westminster was shocked to its core today as Gordon Brown was caught in flagrante delicto last night. The police stated that Mr Brown, Prime Minister, was engaged in an 'unnatural and lewd act' with the economy when they arrested him. The act, believed to be the practice of 'fiscal stimulus', is common on some hardcore economic websites. Experts say that male politicians and economists are particularly vulnerable. It often starts with harmless 'manipulation' of the economy but soon moves on to more extreme thrill-seeking behaviour. The police were believed to have been tipped off by the Speaker. Peter Mandelson declined to comment.

Get A Levels With Tescos Clubcard

Edna Trolley was amazed to find she has been awarded three A levels by Tescos after collecting Clubcard points. She said

"I only went in for a tin of corned beef and now find I have A levels in Applied Mathematics, Physics and Economics"

Tescos today confirmed that they were offering A levels to loyal shoppers, and government education supremo Sir Peter Mandelson said that it was "all about inclusiveness".

The admissions tutor at Oxford University, Dame Gertrude Faulds-Napkin, warned

"While we will be admitting students with Tesco A levels, we will be giving priority to Waitrose customers. On no account will we contemplate letting in shoppers from Asda, Netto or Lidl"

Peter Mandelson - An Apology

T'Internet Times wishes to apologise for Peter Mandelson. We are sincerely sorry and apologise unreservedly.

'Stop This Heathrow Madness' Says Resident

Two years ago Arthur Baggage moved into his new house at 69 Airport Close, Heathrow, near London. Since then he claims has been increasingly plagued by what he calls "swarms of aeroplanes". "Sometimes two or three go over in a single day" says the exasperated Arthur.

"No-one told us there was an airport right on our doorstep here at Heathrow, least of all the estate agent"

He adds, "When I stand right at the end of the runway, aeroplanes fly straight towards me incessantly. This madness has to stop"

A spokesperson for the government, Lord Peter Mandelson, denied that there were any aeroplanes at Heathrow but confirmed that eight more runways were being built "as a contingency".

The Weather

Today's weather is sponsored by Bob Dylan.

"A hard rain is gonna fall. This will clear up later, though the answer as to exactly when is blowing in the rather gusty wind. Wrap up warm, bring your sensitive pot plants in, and don't trust the government."

Church of England Replaces Ten Commandments with "Ten Suggestions"

The new Archbishop of Canterbury Richard Dawkins shocked Church of England traditionalists to their core last night when he announced that the Ten Commandments were to be replaced by the Ten Suggestions. Speaking from the new C of E-themed nightclub "Sinners", Dawkins said that the new move was more in line with modern thinking and would help the Church attract new followers. He explained

"One of the rewordings is Do Not Covet Thy Neighbour's Ass Unless it is Really Peachy. This is simply common sense."

Richard Dawkins Appointed New Archbishop of Canterbury

In a radical move today the well-known atheist and Oxford biologist Richard Dawkins was appointed Archbishop of Canterbury. Dawkins is the celebrated author of 'Sell Fish Genes" and "The Cod Delusion". Flanked by his two pet cats named Watson and Crick, Dawkins said "I will be making radical changes to the Church but it will be evolution rather than revolution".

A spokesperson for the Church of England said that now was the right time for change. He said

"We have tried eveything including religious people and even people with beards. None of it was working."

John Lennon - The Evidence Mounts

Following the stunning claim by Sir Paul McCartney that John Lennon was never a member of The Beatles (see below), compelling new evidence has emerged.

Sir Paul released this original photograph of The Beatles on a zebra crossing in Abbey Road. There is no sign of Lennon.

When shown an Abbey Road album cover which appears to show Lennon with The Beatles in a very similar photograph, Sir Paul explained that the original album cover had been airbrushed to include an image of Lennon. "Nobody is fooled by the cleverly doctored album cover" explained McCartney. "I have the original and this is it".

Shock McCartney Claim - "John Lennon Was Never in The Beatles"

In a stunning outburst today, Sir Paul McCartney claimed that John Lennon had never actually been in The Beatles. "People need to know the truth, but actually it's kinda sad in a way" said Sir Paul.

"John was actually in a rival band called The Bootles - named after Bootle, a district of Liverpool. Unfortunately John's eyesight was so poor he actually thought he was in The Beatles. He started hanging around us Beatles and we kinda felt a bit sorry for him yer know?"

Sir Paul went on to explain that it was he who wrote all The Beatles' songs but credited them jointly to Lennon out of misplaced kindness.

When challenged about this version of events Sir Paul ranted "I should know, I was there. I was a Beatle. You can ask George". When it was pointed out that George Harrison had died in 2001, Sir Paul shrugged and said "Many people think that but not me. George was the quiet Beatle so how would you know anyway?"

Beatles historian Professor L N O'Rugby insisted that Sir Paul's revelations should be taken seriously, noting

"John did have poor eyesight and could easily have imagined he was in The Beatles".

He added "Everyone thinks John originally invited Paul to join his skiffle group The Quarrymen but actually that was Paul's band. John was in a similar band at the time called the Query Men named after a local pub quiz team in Bootle".

Pictured above is how The Bootles' drumkit might have appeared to a short-sighted Lennon.

Another Apology from The Editor

Following an article in T'Internet Times about dylsexia thousands of sufferers have written to complain that their condition was being trivialised and ridiculed. Unfortunately most of the letters had the wrong postcode so we did not receive them.

Despite this we would like to give an unreserved apology to all dylsexics. The correspondent responsible for this article has had his vowels confiscated and will only be able to snd txt mssgs for the foreseeable future.

Dyslexia to be Renamed 'Dylsexia'

The government announced today that dyslexia is to be renamed 'dylsexia' in order to avoid confusion. A spokesperson for the National Dyslexic Association (DNA) said "Ybbdbdb mmg mmsg jj o pgjf tiday is a big loop 4ward".

His Majesty Peter Mandelson, speaking from a sparkling lilac blancmange castle said that the rebranding would also give dyslexia a more sexy and 'edgier' image. Peter Mandelson keeps three prime ministers in his aquarium and is rumoured to be the next Bond villain.

Chess Column

Here is today's chess column, composed by Admiral Nelson.

Photo courtesy AP

Marmite in Cynical Rebranding Move

Following the recent historic election of Bluetak SoKarma the first blue president of Mars (see below) some companies are already cashing in on his victory. SoKarma was elected on a wave of euphoric change following his "Yes we can. Yes we can have our Marmite and eat it" platform.

Now it seems that the refiners of Marmite are to rebrand it throughout the solar system as "Marsmite" to capitalise on the election outcome. Marmite markets reacted strongly on the news and the price soon rocketed to an astronomical $450 per barrel.

All economies in the solar system depend on sticky brown Marmite - the raw material that powers transport and most hi-tech products. Analysts are now worried that consumers will start panic-buying and hording the new Marsmite, leading to shortages and further price hikes.

Marsmite is expected to be advertised by the cat who was SoKarma's running mate and now Vice-President elect of Mars. The cat (as yet unnamed) was a gift from to SoKarma from Simon Cowell, the president of Earth.

An Apology from The Editor

We apologise for the recent weather forecast section of T'Internet Times. This was due to an inadvertent mix-up of the horoscope and weather forecast sections in the pixel final assembly plant. Those responsible know who they are (at least in their most lucid moments).

Weather Forecast

If you are a Virgo it will be breezy with scattered showers. For Capricorns (but not Librans) the outlook is rain, thick fog and ground frost in more exposed areas, but you will receive unexpected good news about loved ones. Your career prospects are frozen, though a job in an umbrella factory may brighten your outlook.

Geminis, you have a sunny disposition, except in the evenings after sunset. Occasionally there will be clouds on the horizon. Tangerines are good for you on Saturdays, especially now that Cheryl Cole is on TV.

If it is your birthday, someone will tell you something to your advantage concerning molecular conformation of complex proteins, though you will be puzzled at its significance at first. Your cellulite, happily, will remain unaffected.

The weather has been cancelled for all other signs of the Zodiac.

Mars Votes for Change in Historic Election

In a historic vote for change yesterday, Mars elected its first blue president. For over 2 billion years power has been in the hands and tentacles of the Little Green Men Party.

All presidents throughout history have been elderly, male and green, with minorities unrepresented - until now.

The president-elect, Bluetak SoKarma, in his victory acceptance speech said:

"If there is anyone out there who still doubts that Mars is a place where all things are possible, who still wonders if the dream of our founders is alive in our time, who still questions the power of our democracy, tonight is your
answer."

SoKarma was flanked by his running-mate, a talking and grinning cat given to him last year by the president of Earth, Simon Cowell.

Nevertheless there does appear to be a limit as to how much change Mars is willing to adopt. Sara Plain, the first candidate to be composed entirely of slime and simple sugar molecules, failed to receive any votes.

Fish

Blue SoKarma had based his campaign on the slogan "Yes we can". He has pledged to bring home Martian soldiers from Europa, one of Jupiter's moons where they have been involved in a futile 200 Martian year war over Marmite mining rights.

The sticky black substance (termed 'black gold') is the bedrock of all industrial infrastructure on Mars. It is scraped out of the ground and refined in order to remove the bitter impurities and salt. SoKarma plans to permit industrial Marmite scraping in the scenic ice-covered Martian polar regions despite protests from little green protesters.

Oats

SoKarma also aims to rescue the ailing Martian economy by encouraging more tourism from nearby planets (except planet Earth whose inhabitants are deemed "somewhat loud and boring" and appear to be dying out after their fragile society invented computer games and the internet, and "stopped being able to separate reality from fiction"). According to SoKarma, Earthlings have not yet developed the technology to refine Marmite and still use the primitive bitter form.

Nevertheless Bluetak SoKarma urged Martians to reach out to their less-advantaged neighbours and show compassion.

Horseradish

In the climax of his speech to a sea of waving tentacles and Martian flags SoKarma exhorted:

"Those who tell us that we can't, we will respond with that timeless creed that sums up the spirit of a people: yes, we can. We can have our Marmite and eat it"

T'Internet Times Workers Gather for Meeting

Today in West Workshire thousands of T'Internet Times workers (pictured) gathered to discuss their working conditions. A spokesman said "The owners treat us like sheep".

It is rumoured that a union is being formed to ram home the message. T'Internet Times owner was unavailable for comment but his Press Office suggested the unrest was precipitated by woolly thinking and talked of a "sheep mentality".

Rare Appearance of Reclusive Owner of T'Internet Times

Here is a rare photograph of the shadowy figure reputed to own T'Internet Times and Sheep Grazing Gazette. He has denied that he is aloof and puts himself on a pedestal.

When challenged as to whether he treated his workforce like sheep and actually lived in Buckinghamshire and not near his factory and loyal workforce in West Workshire he refused to comment.

T'Internet Times Moves to New State-of-the-Art Media Centre

Here is a photograph of our gleaming new offices for T'Internet Times in West Workshire. People have criticised us for locating our factories in the Third World like this but our workforce is very happy and well-fed on pies and coal.

The media centre boasts a new water wheel and a steam engine. Each pixel is hand-crafted, polished and inspected before being assembled into the proud organ you know as T'Internet Times.

Strange Coincidence

Have you noticed that the holes in cats' fur are always where their eyes are?

A Complaint

Someone has written to complain that the news in T'Internet Times is not the truth. This is of course is untrue.

Please send all further complaints on this (and any other matter) to the BBC who are more experienced in dealing with them.

News Flash

The news today is completely new, but this is only temporary. It appears to age quickly. This is beyond our control but our engineers are aware of the issue and may work on it. In any case always read the expiry date. The factory that makes our news makes other products containing nuts and also processes plutonium.

In the interim this is what you should do. Remember, news will keep for longer if stored in a freezer or bought in tins. Freeze-dried news can be convenient but must be rehydrated with water and can be unpalatable. Storing news with a small plutonium nodule will also keep it sterile.

Never refreeze previously frozen news.